- Graeme Garden: An important message here from insurance companies to wives and girlfriends: Men with facial hair have more car accidents than men who are clean-shaven. But, if you kiss your man before he sets off from home, he is less likely to have a car accident.
- *BUZZ**BUZZ*
- David Mitchell: Tony.
- Tony Hawks: I'm going for the fact about the beard: You are actually more likely to have a car accident if you've got facial hair.
- David: That's not true. Sorry.
- *LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE*
- Arthur Smith: David's got a sort of beard, I should point out.
- David: Yeah, I have got a sort of beard and I'm an extremely prudent man when it comes to traffic.
- Arthur: I'm not sure if you'd really call it a beard as such.
- David: What-- Why wouldn't you?
- Arthur: Well it's a bit feeble. I mean... It's not exactly, you know, W.G. Grace, is it?
- David: What do you want from me? I'm not Dumbledore. It's just what grew there.
- Arthur: Well, the thing is it's hardly more than stubble; it doesn't warrant the word 'beard' in my book.
- *SYMPATHETIC NOISES FROM AUDIENCE*
- Arthur: Ooh, well apparently...
- David: Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
- Arthur: Oh dear, listen to all the women cooing over him; it's revolting!
- David: Yeah...
- Lucy Porter: Women -- we do like the facial hair. I think it's... You get to kiss and exfoliate at the same time. It's nice.
I made a David Mitchell/Unbelievable Truth themed Firefox persona. You can get it here: https://www.getpersonas.com/en-US/persona/463480
Here’s a peek at what it looks like:
Note to the BBC, The Unbelievable Truth, and David Mitchell: if this shameless promotion of your programme and likeness do not meet with your approval please contact me and I will take them down. Thank you.
- David Mitchell: I'm just going to ask Lucy a question that's not part of the program.
- Clive Anderson: Oh, right! Shall we all leave the room while you do that?
- David: Yes, please.
- Lucy Porter: Yes, I will! I've always wanted you to ask me!
- David: Have you missed a bit?
- Lucy: Yes, I have. I was just going to go back and do it. I've asterisked it.
- David: You've asterisked it; you're going to go back and do it; that's fine. Right. So that's it, everyone, sorry.
- Lucy: That wasn't the question I was hoping for.
- David: Well, I mean, a lot of people think I'm going to be more romantic than I actually turn out to be.
- Lucy: Yeah, if the most romantic thing you've ever said to a girl is, "Have you missed a bit?"
- David: Yeah.
- Lucy: I'll go-- I'll go back and--
- Chris Addison: You have gone slightly red, actually, David.
- Lucy: I've spoken some truth.
- David: All the terrible, terrible memories. Carry on.
- Lucy: OK.
- David: I'm just going to-- I may not say anything for a while.
- David Mitchell: I've just been working out the sum... And I think, roughly, I think in order to have played 2 million rounds of golf, Tiger Woods would have to be thousands of years old.
- Reginal D. Hunter: That's a very very amazing ability to make your opinion sound like a fact.
- David: Thank you very much.
- Reg: You are like my ex-girlfriend really. Very impressive. Very impressive.
- Shappi Khorsandi: In what other way is he like your ex-girlfriend?
- Reg: Sounds quite authoritative when it really isn't necessary.
- David: Look, I don't see why you're having a go at me - I've... I've never tried to have sex with you!
- Reg: Well, there's the problem, right there. I think you've nailed it on the head, David.
- Reginald D. Hunter: *reading aloud* In the United States, cats have gone beyond domestication, with several having their own TV shows, underground comic books and product endorsements.
- Rhod Gilbert: *buzz*
- David Mitchell: Rhod?
- RG: I’m gonna go with ‘They’ve gone beyond domestication and have their own TV shows, comic books and things like that.’
- DM: No, no they haven’t.
- RG: Top Cat!
- DM: No, Top Cat’s not a cat, he’s a drawing.
- RG: But he’s a drawing of a cat!
- DM: Yes, that’s a sort of drawing, not a sort of cat. A tiger is a sort of cat, a drawing of a cat is a sort of drawing.
- David: Hijinks could be like a harmless game of charades, or it could be, like, group sex.
- Charlie:
- David:
- Charlie: I'm never going to one of your parties, ever again!
- David:
- Charlie:
- David: ...Why, do you hate charades?
- David: By the way, I'd like to remind you all that no one has said anything about haircutting with a machine gun other than me. I'm not playing the game, I'm the, the sort of icy host.
- Armando: You see yourself in a sort of Anne Robinson figure do you?
- David: Yes the kind of, yeah, an Anne Robinson figure, but still partially organic.
- Armando: What part isn't organic, just out of interest?
- David: My metal penis.
- *buzzer*buzzer*buzzer*
- David Mitchell: ...Alan.
- Alan Davies: Oh sorry, I just fell.
Alan Davies and David Mitchell argue about the scent of rocks.
The Unbelievable Truth: S08E02
David Mitchell hosts the panel game in which four comedians are encouraged to tell lies and compete against one another to see how many items of truth they’re able to smuggle past their opponents. Mark Watson, Phill Jupitus, Ed Byrne and Henning Wehn are the panellists obliged to talk with deliberate inaccuracy on subjects as varied as: The Olympics, Butter, Bees and Blood.
Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Charlie Brooker and Rhod Gilbert appear in the panel game built on truth and lies. Subject covered tonight include ears, divorce, badgers and ice cream.
Enjoy!! =D
I know I´ve posted this one several times already, but I still makes me laugh every time:-)
David Mitchell: I’ve put a collar on a dog.
Liza Tarbuck: You’ve put a what?
David Mitchell: A collar on a dog.
Liza Tarbuck: Sure!
David Mitchell: Not a human collar, a dog collar. Not like an ecclesiastical dog collar, an actual dog’s collar. On a dog. And not, not in a sex way. What I have put… What putting on a human would have been a kinky sex thing, on a dog, and on a dog it’s just… what a dog wears. It’s just…
Charlie Brooker: There’s a lot of things you can do to a dog that would be kinky if you did it to a human.
David Mitchell: … Really?
Liza Tarbuck: That’s a bold statement, young man!
Charlie Brooker: Feed it from a bowl. You want me to go on?
David Mitchell: Are you saying that the way…
Charlie Brooker: Deworm it!
David Mitchell: What’s kinky about deworming!?
Charlie Brooker: If I did it to you backstage, people would say we were kinky
David Mitchell: I’ve put a collar on a dog.
Liza Tarbuck: You’ve put a what?
David Mitchell: A collar on a dog.
Liza Tarbuck: Sure!
David Mitchell: Not a human collar, a dog collar. Not like an ecclesiastical dog collar, an actual dog’s collar. On a dog. And not, not in a sex way. What I…
