• Stephen Fry: But there is only one absolutely surefire medical way of stopping hiccups, and that is -
• David Mitchell: - death.

• David Mitchell: I think we need to analyse this story chronologically. Which is the day of the concert....
• Alex Jones: Right.
• David Mitchell: Dawn breaks...
• Alex Jones: Right.
• David Mitchell: Where are you and where is Julian Lloyd Webber?
• Alex Jones: Julian Lloyd Webber and I are both in Manchester.
• David Mitchell: When did you meet?
• Alex Jones: In the car park.
• Lee Mack: Said like a true Welsh girl!
• David Mitchell: I'm afraid the car park is not an acceptable answer to the question: "When did you meet?" because the car park is a place not a time.
• Alex Jones: Let me set the scene...
• David Mitchell: Okay.
• Alex Jones: So I'm in the car park with the car park attendant.
• David Mitchell: Right...yeah...
• Alex Jones: The car park attendant is just there. He hasn't got a hat on... he's not that official...
• David Mitchell: He's just generally hanging around the car park all sexy...
• Alex Jones: He's just hanging out...
• Chris Tarrant: What's he wearing at the time?
• Lee Mack: Has he got anything on?
• Chris Tarrant: Is he... is he naked?
• Alex Jones: He's got jeans on... and a t-shirt.
• David Mitchell: Jeans and a t-shirt???
• Alex Jones: And a luminous jacket...
• David Mitchell: This is just some guy.... he's told you he's a car park attendant, cause he wants to sound important...
• Lee Mack: Is that important??
• David Mitchell: Yes, the sexiest thing you can say. Everyone knows that!

The Unbelievable Truth Series 9, Episode 1: David's Beard

• Graeme Garden: An important message here from insurance companies to wives and girlfriends: Men with facial hair have more car accidents than men who are clean-shaven. But, if you kiss your man before he sets off from home, he is less likely to have a car accident.
• *BUZZ**BUZZ*
• David Mitchell: Tony.
• Tony Hawks: I'm going for the fact about the beard: You are actually more likely to have a car accident if you've got facial hair.
• David: That's not true. Sorry.
• *LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE*
• Arthur Smith: David's got a sort of beard, I should point out.
• David: Yeah, I have got a sort of beard and I'm an extremely prudent man when it comes to traffic.
• Arthur: I'm not sure if you'd really call it a beard as such.
• David: What-- Why wouldn't you?
• Arthur: Well it's a bit feeble. I mean... It's not exactly, you know, W.G. Grace, is it?
• David: What do you want from me? I'm not Dumbledore. It's just what grew there.
• Arthur: Well, the thing is it's hardly more than stubble; it doesn't warrant the word 'beard' in my book.
• *SYMPATHETIC NOISES FROM AUDIENCE*
• Arthur: Ooh, well apparently...
• David: Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
• Arthur: Oh dear, listen to all the women cooing over him; it's revolting!
• David: Yeah...
• Lucy Porter: Women -- we do like the facial hair. I think it's... You get to kiss and exfoliate at the same time. It's nice.

Another gif.

• David Mitchell: I'm just going to ask Lucy a question that's not part of the program.
• Clive Anderson: Oh, right! Shall we all leave the room while you do that?
• David: Yes, please.
• Lucy Porter: Yes, I will! I've always wanted you to ask me!
• David: Have you missed a bit?
• Lucy: Yes, I have. I was just going to go back and do it. I've asterisked it.
• David: You've asterisked it; you're going to go back and do it; that's fine. Right. So that's it, everyone, sorry.
• Lucy: That wasn't the question I was hoping for.
• David: Well, I mean, a lot of people think I'm going to be more romantic than I actually turn out to be.
• Lucy: Yeah, if the most romantic thing you've ever said to a girl is, "Have you missed a bit?"
• David: Yeah.
• Lucy: I'll go-- I'll go back and--
• Chris Addison: You have gone slightly red, actually, David.
• Lucy: I've spoken some truth.
• David: All the terrible, terrible memories. Carry on.
• Lucy: OK.
• David: I'm just going to-- I may not say anything for a while.

On job interview questions that one shouldn't ask

• Stephen Fry: "What are your weaknesses?" is a common question. You're supposed to say one that is kinda not terrible... Like "I tend to get bogged down by details."
• David Mitchell: "I'm a terrible thief. I love other people's stuff."
• Stephen Fry: "I also can't con - Oh look! There's a squirrel!"
• Phil Jupitus: "Heroin and masturbating. Not necessarily in that order."
• Stephen Fry: "What are your strengths?"
• Alan Davies: "I've got a powerful odour. It'll only get stronger as the day goes on."
• Stephen Fry: You're still wearing your I-don't-want-a-job hat.

Well, I hope when I go mad that someone pretends I’m in charge of a large country and gives me lots of things to sign, rather than just sedates me and sticks me in front of a window.
David Mitchell (via liftednevermore)

The Unbelievable Truth S04E01

• David Mitchell: I've just been working out the sum... And I think, roughly, I think in order to have played 2 million rounds of golf, Tiger Woods would have to be thousands of years old.
• Reginal D. Hunter: That's a very very amazing ability to make your opinion sound like a fact.
• David: Thank you very much.
• Reg: You are like my ex-girlfriend really. Very impressive. Very impressive.
• Shappi Khorsandi: In what other way is he like your ex-girlfriend?
• Reg: Sounds quite authoritative when it really isn't necessary.
• David: Look, I don't see why you're having a go at me - I've... I've never tried to have sex with you!
• Reg: Well, there's the problem, right there. I think you've nailed it on the head, David.

You got to love him :)

• David Mitchell: Why..why did you... what's the story here... what...what ?
• Rob Brydon: A disinterested policeman.
• David Mitchell: I think you mean uninterested policeman all good policemen are disinterested.
• Frank Skinner: Yes good point.
• David Mitchell: Not an amusing point.
• Frank Skinner: But grammaticaly an absolute belter.
• Rob Brydon: What's the difference between dis... what does disinterested mean ?
• David Mitchell: Disinterested means impartial, uninterested means bored.

• Reginald D. Hunter: There was a shift of sarcasm in the way you said (that.)
• David Mitchell: There's a shift of sarcasm in the way I say everything.

• Henning Wehn: See? Germans are rebellious.
• David Mitchell: Yes, in a terrifyingly organized way.

The Unbelievable Truth - S04E01

• Reginald D. Hunter: *reading aloud* In the United States, cats have gone beyond domestication, with several having their own TV shows, underground comic books and product endorsements.
• Rhod Gilbert: *buzz*
• David Mitchell: Rhod?
• RG: I’m gonna go with ‘They’ve gone beyond domestication and have their own TV shows, comic books and things like that.’
• DM: No, no they haven’t.
• RG: Top Cat!
• DM: No, Top Cat’s not a cat, he’s a drawing.
• RG: But he’s a drawing of a cat!
• DM: Yes, that’s a sort of drawing, not a sort of cat. A tiger is a sort of cat, a drawing of a cat is a sort of drawing.

• *Buzzer*
• David: Charlie.
• Charlie: Crocodiles smell with their ears.
• David: No, they don't, no. I suspect that the thing that crocodiles smell with, however ear-like it might look, would be a nose.
• Charlie: It would be combined!
• Tony: They've got bloody great big nostrils that stick out of the water!
• Charlie: THEY DON'T USE THOSE FOR SMELLING WITH.
• Tony: They do!
• Arthur: What do they use them for, then?
• Charlie: Thinking? I don't know!
• David: No, you're quite right, they're just massive thinking holes.

• David Mitchell: We've got to learn to work together!
• Rhod Gilbert: Well, in that case, you need to change your opinions.

• Lee: Are you a massive fan of Steve Davis then?
• David: Well he's very good at snooker..
• Lee: How many times did he win the world championship?
• David: Six.
• Lee: No he didn't.
• David: Yes he did...
• Lee: Don't out-bluff me, neither of us know!